Landing in London I
by Athena13
Summary: JOLIE. Starts after February 2005. John. Natalie. Then. Now.
1. Landing in London I

Landing in London I

By: Athena13 PG-13  
Category: Romance, Drama, Jolie  
Summary: JOLIE. Takes place after 2/05.  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Frankly, I would treat them better if I did.

Author Notes: Thanks to SUSweetie and the funny people at Soapzone messages boards. They make OLTL way more fun and bearable. This story goes good with 3 Doors Down's Landing in London song and the new album, obviously it inspired the title.

_ > > > > >_  
Coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all  
It started out with a kiss  
How did it end up like this?  
It was only a kiss  
It was only a kiss

"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

> > > > > >  
Now  
_ > > > > > _

_It started out with a kiss. How did it end up like this?_

This was the irreverent refrain drifting in and out of Natalie's mind as she contemplated the darkness out the kitchen window. One hand cradled a cup of tea, the other rested on her swollen stomach. In truth, she should be asleep in her bed. It had been over twenty-fours hours since she'd had any sleep and her body was begging her succumb to sweet slumber, but her mind wouldn't turn itself off. Too restless to lie in bed, she had come downstairs seeking the comfort of a hot cup of tea. It was a habit she had picked up over the past six months spent in London at her father's house. Tonight, though, it wasn't having the restorative result she had come to expect.

All was quiet in the cottage. Her mother, Vicki, had helpfully provided a car to take her straight home from the airport and a maid to do her unpacking. There was nothing for her to do but rest before family and friends converged on her tomorrow morning. The thought of the coming chaos made her smile and her fingers stroked lightly over her belly. Being missed was a novel experience, at least that's how it felt to her. For the first time in a long time she felt part of a family. She owed that to the life that was growing inside her. Which she owed to... With a sigh she cut off her train of thought.

That, in truth, was why she hadn't been able to sleep. It wasn't the excitement over seeing her family and friends, the hassles of travel or jet lag. It was about John. He was here in Llanview and try as she had over the past six months there was no getting him out of her mind. Soon he would not just be in ber mind. She would see him. Have to talk to him. With another sigh she put her empty cup in the sink and leaned closer to the window.

So engrossed in her thoughts and used to the security of her father's home in London, Natalie was blissfully unaware of the sounds around her. Particularly that of someone entering the kitchen from behind and watching her.

John's breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. The light coming in the window bathed her milky white skin with an ethereal glow. Her hair, longer than it had been the last time he saw her six months ago, waved gently around her face and flowed down her back. As beautiful as her face was his eyes were drawn to her hands resting on the white cotton covering her stomach. John's hands clenched into fists inside his sweat jacket. He wanted to touch her. To feel the baby. But his touch, his feelings were not welcome. That had been made abundantly clear to him over the past half a year. First by Natalie and then by all the men in her life that warned him away - her brothers, her father and her uncles. Only Jess, Roxy and Vicki had given him reason to hope that all was not lost given time.

I should have gone to London, John thought to himself as he watched Natalie close her eyes and her head droop. He was told not to, asked not to, but he should have done it anyway. It was only cowardice that held him back, not respect for the feelings involved like he often tried to justify.

"Do we have to do this tonight, John?" Natalie's words broke into self-flagellation.

"It's been long enough, don't you think?" John rasped.

Natalie just nodded and turned around to face him more directly.

"I want to touch...," John broke off abruptly. That's not what he had meant to say. He didn't know what he meant to say, that was part of the problem. Six months to lead into this and that's you're opening, McBain! he silently berated himself.

"Okay." Natalie's soft words of acquiescence made his pulse jump.

A few bumps of the table and chairs between them John was standing in front of Natalie. Most unhelpfully, his hands were still stuffed in his pockets. This close to her for the first time in so long his body felt as paralyzed as his words.

Seeing his discomfort, Natalie smiled slightly and reached out to grasp his left wrist in her hand and pulled it towards her. "Open your fist," she quietly instructed him. When he complied she put it over their restless son.

John felt energized and faint at the same time. Tears came to his eyes and he felt like whooping for joy. He felt angry for not feeling this sooner and joyous to feel it at all. All the feelings and emotions jumbled up inside him and threatened to spill out. His usual defenses threatened to crumble and leave him vulnerable at this younger woman's feet. But decades of instinct came to his rescue and he just nodded and threatened to smile. He wasn't strong enough, however, to stop a tear from sliding down his cheek or to stop his hand from trembling.

After a long moment John took a long breathe and looked into Natalie's face. He left his hand where it was resting.

"You look tired." John frowned as he noticed the smudges under her eyes and that the paleness of her skin wasn't just from the street lights hitting her profile.

"It was a long trip."

"How...how do you feel? How is...the baby?"

"We're healthy. Your son is healthy."

Now, John's eyes did close and his entire being visible trembled. He knew it was a boy, Roxy made sure he knew. Feeling him move, though, now it was real.

"John?" Natalie moved closer and put her hands on his arms.

"Give me a minute. No, don't go." John muttered when she made to move away from him. All of his anger and guilt of the past months temporarily didn't matter and he put his hands on her waist and pulled her forward against him. Dammit to hell, she felt too good against him. His hands strayed to her back, pressing her, them, closer. One hand strayed up her back and under her hair to her neck. Unthinking, he tilted her head back and looked down at her.

Lost. He was lost in her warmth and her dark blue eyes. Despite, or perhaps because of, her condition his body felt like it was on fire having her against him. Then again, that was how it had felt before. That was why they were here now, in this moment.

_ > > > > >  
_Before  
_ > > > > >_

Chief of Detectives John McBain had gotten used to seeing Natalie Vega around the station. He enjoyed watching her banter with the cops, the lawyers and even the annoying reporters who tried to break protocol and eavesdrop in the squad room. He was amused at how all the court clerks told him to tell her hello when he was at court testifying or getting a warrant. He was relieved that his requests for files or research were efficiently handled. She brought a lightness and an efficiency to the station that they hadn't even realized they had been lacking

And he absolutely loved the coffee.

He was happy that she was had gone back to college part-time to finish her criminology degree and he was relieved to see that the desolation that lingered in her eyes so long was gone. He had even been able to stop thinking constantly about what, who, had put it there in the first place.

After her first few months there Evangeline had cuttingly called him out on his lie about Natalie's hiring being only temporary. He had, he sheepishly admitted, been trying to deflect her anger. He had thought, hoped, that after some time had passed that she would forget about it and get used to having Natalie around the station. You know, reasoning that if he showed her how committed her was to their relationship she wouldn't worry about his and Natalie's mostly innocent past.

But even after four months, Evangeline still got bothered when Natalie answered the department phone when she couldn't reach him on his mobile or Natalie came into his office to deliver a file or relay a message. She hit the roof one day when he found out they had gone to lunch together, even though Antonio was supposed to be meeting them and had to cancel at the last minute. But fortunately, those moments were getting fewer and far between as time passed. And John just kept making sure he didn't bring Natalie up in conversation and if Evangeline brought her up he'd remind her how much he couldn't keep his hands off _her_..

That Natalie had started dating again was also helping. A couple of fellow students, a lawyer and some bum she had met at Rodi's. A few times they had come across each other on dates and it had all gone very smoothly, civilly. John breathed a sigh of relief and looked for new and safer things for him and Evangeline to base their arousing sparring around.

By Natalie's sixth month on the job, John was fairly certain that the hurdle had been crossed. Natalie was over him and Evangeline was over Natalie. John chuckled to himself whenever he had that thought, it seemed like Evangeline had a harder time getting over Natalie than John ever had. After all, he reminded himself, nothing had ever really happened between him and Natalie.

Just a kiss. Or a few.

He never thought about that night in his bed when she rose above him in her black bra, luminous white skin and flaming hair. Almost never. He never thought about how she felt under his hands. How hot she burned against him. How she tasted. Hardly ever.

So what if he had a fantasy or two now again, he was a man. As long as Evangeline didn't find out.

But on Natalie's six month anniversary with the LPD it wasn't Evangeline who caused the situation to come crashing down.

Bo had just taken Natalie out to lunch to celebrate and to thank her for a job well done. The guys in the squad, thankful for the work she did and, John was sure, the view, bought her a sweet gift for her desk to mark the occasion, a pot of mini-roses and a box of chocolates. That evening they all planned to go to Rodi's so Natalie could beat them at pool. John, feeling safe, decided to go along. It had been a long time since he and Natalie had played a game of pool and he was sure he could beat her this time. It was a group event, it was innocent even if Evangeline decided to get her nose out of joint.

_ > > > > >  
_Now_  
> > > > >_

Feeling the changes in her body, John couldn't help but compare to the last time he had seen her, felt her. She smelled different. Did she taste different too? Before the thought could fully form in his mind Natalie's generosity was at its end. She pushed his hands away and moved aside and walked around him.

"Nat," he pleaded.

She stopped and he watched her struggle for a moment before turning around. From the other side of the kitchen table he could see the tremors shaking her body. But she waited for him to speak, and he was grateful and scared.

She was so beautiful. She was wearing a white cotton top, it tied just over her ample breasts and her enticing cleavage was visible. The top ended midway down her bare thighs. God, he wanted nothing better than to slide his hands underneath and feel her. Hold her against him again. Stop her tremors. Comfort her.

Comfort himself.

"I've missed you."

Natalie closed her eyes and swallowed. The struggle was visible on her face. He was sure she had missed him; he was just as sure that it killed her to admit it.

"I missed you, too."

Her words staggered him. Was it possible she could forgive him?

"Don't ask anything more of me tonight."

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" he asked, surrendering to the plea in her navy blue eyes.

"Probably not, but I don't want to talk about...about anything either."

"Sooner of later we're going to have to," John said.

"I know. That's why I came back." Natalie held out her hand to him in a stop gesture. Without realizing it, John had moved forward as if to go through the table.

"Please leave. Come back," she paused thinking about tomorrow. "Come back tomorrow at 3."

"All right," John ceded.

He stood alone in the dark kitchen after she had gone.

_ > > > > >  
_Before  
_ > > > > >_

He enjoyed watching Natalie play pool. He enjoyed how her brow furrowed in concentration, how her eyes sparkled when she made a shot. Being a guy he enjoyed watching her bend and twist to line up a shot, how she had the perfect amount of grip and torque on the stick. He even enjoyed the admiration of her skill from his fellow cops. Sitting at the table near the pool table, sipping his cold beer, John felt more carefree than he had in a long time.

"Johnny Mac, it's your turn. Wanna give me a run for your money?" Natalie flipped her flame-colored hair and fixed John with a challenging look.

John's lips twitched into a smile in response to the saucy picture she made with the stick planted in one hand and her other hand on her cocked hip.

"So sure you're going to win?" John stood up and walked towards until he was mere inches from her. Close enough to feel the body heat she had built up wiping the table with their colleagues. Close enough to smell her enticing combination of perspiration, hair conditioner and fruity perfume. "So sure I can't beat you?"

"Statistically speaking, yes." Natalie's smile blossomed and lit up her entire face. Her hair shimmered under the lights.

Like a child distracted by something shiny, John reached up and slid his fingers through Natalie's hair. "It looks like fire, but feels like glass," John murmured.

Natalie's smile slipped and her breath caught in her chest. As she often did when feeling threatened her spine stiffened and her chin lifted.

"How about we just play and we cut out the mind games?" Natalie pulled her hair from his unresisting fingers.

"Sure," John plastered on a menacing smile and reached behind her to grab a stick. His smile widened as he felt Natalie's breath hitch, the only discernible evidence that his nearness flustered her. "Game on."

Three games later Natalie was up two games to one. John was insisting on one more game, wanting to vindicate himself in front of his peers and wipe the smug grin off Natalie's face. Besides, he was having fun. He took a sip of his new glass of beer and watched the wheels spin in Natalie's head as she counted the money she had already won from him. He knew she couldn't resist a challenge, just as much as he relished giving them. So, he was going to take his time.

"You wanted those boots."

"How do you know about the boots?" Natalie slipped the bills into the tight front pocket of her jeans.

"I heard you and Jess talking the other day. Think about it..." John paused to take another sip of beer. "One more game you can afford those boots. Or, we can be tied and then we'll find out who's really better."

"We already know I'm better. You just don't like to lose."

"No. I don't. And you love to win. It's a pretty fated combination, don't you think?" John put his beer down and walked a few steps closer to Natalie.

The few cops that were left at the celebration shared some meaningful eyebrow raises and silently decided to hit the road.

Enjoying the verbal sparring, which was rather reminiscent of their first meetings, Natalie walked a few steps closer to John. She slid a finger in between the buttons on John's blue button-down shirt. "You know," she whispered as she pulled at his clothing teasingly. "I think that if you want me to play one more game so you can recover your manly pride it's going to take more than money?"

"Ahem, like what? Shots? Strip pool?" John chuckled and trapped Natalie's hand and pressed it against his chest to stop her arousing gesture.

"Shots is a good start, but I wouldn't want our Chief of Detectives walking around Rodi's in his skivvies." Natalie laughed.

"Bob, four shots of Tequila, please," John shouted across the bar. "What else?"

"Definitely the money. Double or nothing. But something else...hmmmm," Natalie moved just a bit closer to John, enjoying the flush her nearness was obviously causing.

John's eyes narrowed at her daring antics. Two can play that game, he vowed. Moving closer, John pushed her shirt up and put his hand on her bare waist. He grinned when her breath hitched and her eyes widened. "What else do you want?" he asked, allowing his fingers to stroke lightly against her skin. His chest swelled when he saw her eyes slip down to his lips.

"How about I name what I want when I win?" Natalie pushed against John's chest, but he didn't allow himself to be moved.

"Only if I get to do the same."

"Fine, now get out of my way and show me the money." Natalie pushed again, this time John let her take back her hand and he moved away.

"What's the rule about the shots?" Natalie asked as she bent over the table and began racking the balls.

John admired the view for a moment before speaking. "When you miss a shot, you drink."

_ > > > > >_  
Now  
_ > > > > >_

John stood across the street from Natalie's cottage waiting for her family to leave. It was just past three o'clock now. He was invited, but he didn't want to walk in their and ruin her fun. Or face questions that he couldn't answer. Finally, at 3:15 he watched Natalie usher everyone out. He heard Bo make her promise that she would be at Asa's for dinner.

She waved everybody off before, unerringly, looked straight at him. Her expression didn't change and she didn't wave him in. His invitation was the door she left standing open as she turned and walked back into the cottage.

"Don't tell me that I shouldn't leave the door open because it might attract riff raff," Natalie teased from her position on the couch.

John smiled and locked the door behind him and walked toward where she was sitting on the couch, her legs up on the coffee table. He stood and looked down at her for a moment. She looked like she either hadn't gotten much rest last night after she had gone up to bed or the visit with her family had drained her.

"Can I get you a drink of...milk?" John asked, clearing his throat nervously.

"I was force fed plenty of milk today, already. Sit down John."

John looked around and chose a chair that was kitty corner to the couch.

The silence stretched on for several uncomfortable minutes.

"You'd think after all the time we've had to think about this conversation we'd know what to say, or at least how to start it," John said into the silence.

"Maybe we do but we're just afraid to say it?" Natalie said, standing up with a little difficulty. She moved around the coffee table and paced a few times, as if the thoughts and words she was entertaining were too hard to contain in one place.

"How could you lie to me?" Natalie asked.

John stood up and braced himself to provide his long overdue explanations. She hadn't he guessed, read the letters he had sent to her in London. He didn't even know if she knew about them, if her father had intercepted them.

"He asked me..." John began his inarticulate explanation.

"I got your letters. I know the story. I know that you got the DNA results after that railroaded conviction. I know that he asked you not to tell me so that I could get on with my life. Christian confirmed that much. What I'm asking you is how you could lie to me day after day. How you could let a mentally incompetent man rot in prison - my husband - and then call yourself my friend."

Natalie's sapphire eyes pleaded for an answer that made sense.

"I hired an attorney to try and help him, but he wouldn't cooperate. He said that you wouldn't get on with your life knowing he was in prison and I didn't want that for you either. As your husband I felt that it was his choice."

"I didn't know about the lawyer, he didn't say, and I appreciate that. But what I'm asking is how you could lie to me, not just once, but over and over again."

John closed his eyes and briefly remembered the visions he had of Natalie happy with children that day when he chose to keep Christian's secret. "I was damned if I told you and damned if I didn't. One way you would have your husband back, but it would consume your life. On the other hand I was lying to you. Guilt was my constant companion."

"Like it was about Caitlyn. I was just another woman to feel guilty about."

John saw the hurt flash in her eyes as she turned away.

"Maybe you're right, but my feelings for you were despite any guilt I ever felt about Christian or Haver or Cramer."

"Paul? You felt guilty about Paul?" Natalie turned and looked at him in surprise.

"You were with him because I was too selfish to tell you how I felt about you."

Natalie didn't dispute that.

"I guess we have something else in common," Natalie said.

"What?" John asked.

"Living with guilt. Imagine how I felt when I found out that the night we were in bed together my husband was committing suicide in prison where we had left him to rot."

_ > > > > >  
_Before  
_ > > > > >_

John was grinning evilly as he watched Natalie take another shot of tequila. She had just missed the eight ball. Which meant if he made this shot he would win. Once and for all. Beating Natalie Vega.

Natalie slammed her shot glass down on the table and waited for John to take his shot. Dangling precariously in her fingers was another shot, waiting for John to miss.

She grimaced when he made the shot and drunkenly clapped her hands, spilling some of the shot over her fingers. John smirked at the accident and walked over and grabbed her hands and stilled them.

"I think you should drink to your win," Natalie's words were slightly slurred.

John brought her wet fingers up to his mouth and began to suck the tequila off them one by one. He watched her eyes darken to the shiny hardness of sapphires and her tongue dart out to moisten her lips. Certain he had made the point he wanted to make, whatever that was, he grabbed the shot and finished it off.

"I believe that I get to choose my prize, besides the cash you have nestled so snugly in your pocket." John hooked a couple of fingers in her jeans and pulled teasingly.

"What do you choose?" Natalie asked breathlessly.

"Well," John mused and brought his lips close to hers. He looked at her lips and then back into her eyes. "I'll think about that. For now I'd better see you safely home."

The warm night air settled on them, but not oppressively, as they walked the empty streets towards the cottage. They were both more than a little bit inebriated, both from the alcohol and the fun they'd had. It was like neither had a care in the world, and it being a Friday night and off work the next day, the illusion settled in quite easily. Young and carefree they talked and laughed animatedly right up to Natalie's front door.

"Thanks for walking me home, John. And thanks for coming out tonight. You usually don't come out with us," Natalie said.

"It was my pleasure." John reached out and pushed the hair off of Natalie's face and smoothed it out behind her ear. His hand lingered, caressing some strands between his fingers.

"Are you okay to walk home?" Natalie peered up at him curiously.

"I'm not drunk," John said.

"Yeah?" Natalie laughed. "Say the alphabet backwards."

"I can't even do that when I'm sober," John rasped.

"So you admit you're drunk." Natalie was pleased to have caught his slip. She slid her hands onto his waist and pulled him towards the front door. "At least come in for a cup of coffee. You can always crash in Michael's room. He's at the hospital tonight, I think."

John's brother Michael had moved into the cottage right after Natalie. Marcie's brother Ron had moved in a month later.

"If you want me to come in, why don't you just ask?" John teased, brushing his fingers through her hair, over her neck and down her back.

"Who says I want you to come in? I'm just taking pity on a poor drunk guy. Wouldn't want you to get jumped on the way home, or cited for public drunkenness." Natalie shrugged and looked away.

"I say you want me to come in and I get to choose what I want. The bet, remember?" John leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"Are you saying that coming inside is your prize?" Natalie whispered back.

"Part of it." John nibbled at her ear.

Natalie was unable to suppress a shiver.

"Aren't you going to ask me the rest?" John asked.

Natalie turned her head. "What is the rest?" she asked.

John's answer was to press his lips against hers and initiate a kiss. A passionate kiss. All teasing was gone as he pulled her flush against him and pressed her against the front door.

Natalie's arms wrapped around his neck as she returned his probing kiss with fervor.

"Keys," John murmured as he slid his lips from her mouth down to her neck and back up again.

"Hmmm?"

"Open the door," John growled.

Natalie leaned her head back and reached into her purse. She dug around blindly before pulling her hand out triumphantly. Helplessly, she tried to reach behind her and fit the key to the lock. With a satisfied chuckle, John grabbed the keys and finished the task, never once taking his lips from hers.

The entwined couple lurched into the house and John kicked the door shut with his foot. Natalie's purse and the keys landed on the floor as he lifted her in his arms and kissed and carried her up the stairs to her bedroom.

_ > > > > >  
_Now  
_ > > > > >_

"Who was the lawyer you hired?" Natalie asked.

"Joe Pennington from Harrisburg. He's the best appeals lawyer. He said we had a good case to get Christian out or at least moved somewhere where they could help him, psychologically. But Christian refused to cooperate with him or any psychiatrists he sent in. He filed some petitions, but the court refused to grant them without Christian's testimony."

"I might have been able to get him to agree," Natalie whispered.

"I went to see him myself a few times. After the first time he refused to see me. He told me he wouldn't see you either. Or Antonio. Or Carlotta. I believed he meant it."

"That's what he said in the letter," she said, referring to the letter Christian had mailed to her shortly before taking his own life in prison.

"What did he say?"

"He said that he still had urges to kill. That he was afraid he would hurt everyone he loved. He wanted me to have this letter in case I ever did find out about who he really was. He said I should forgive you for keeping his secret. That he wouldn't have agreed to see me anyway. That he needed for me to be happy." Tears slid unheeded down Natalie's face. Every word of the letter was imprinted on her brain.

"If I had known he would...I thought he would eventually come around," John whispered. He wanted to go to her, to dry her tears, but knew he did not have permission to do that.

"After losing...no. I promised I wouldn't do this." Natalie sighed and sat down on the chair John had vacated. She was caressing her stomach in a comforting, circular motion.

John kneeled down in front of her. He didn't touch, but he wanted to. "Can you forgive me?" he asked.

"I already have. What you did was really stupid, John. But I understand why you did it. And, I have to forgive you because we have a child coming into the world in a few months."

John closed his eyes and he dipped his head. His breathing was ragged. He never dared believe he would hear those words from her.

"It's a gift for me and our son, John. Not you. It's for Christian, because it's the only thing I can give him now. I had to forgive him, too. I don't agree with what either of you did, but neither can I change it and condemning is a luxury I can't afford," Natalie said. She waited for John to look up before continuing.

"John, I've seen what living like that can do to someone. That's what you did after Haver killed Caitlyn. I won't live like that and our son will not have a mother like that. The only real question is whether you can give up your selfish addiction to guilt and be a father."

"I...yes, I can." John swallowed tears.

"I would like you to see someone. A therapist."

John opened his mouth to speak, a few times, before finally gathering words. "Okay."

"I did that, in London. It's the only thing that has me coming out the other side of this. I'm not done. I'm going to see someone here for a while, for as long as I need to. I'd like for you do see someone too and for us to do some joint sessions. We need to find a way to get past this and be good parents."

"I can't deny that request, Natalie. I want, I want to be a good father. And I want to be a good...friend to you."

"Just a friend, John?" Natalie challenged him.

"I love you, Natalie."

Natalie closed her eyes and pulled his hands into her lap. She nodded, but didn't speak.

"I should have said that a long time ago," John said.

"Yes, John. You should have. It's a good starting place for now.

_ > > > > >  
_Before  
_ > > > > >_

John watched Natalie sleep next to him. Sobered and passion's flame doused, or at least contained, the reality of what happened was battling with the threatening hangover to take over his head.

Evangeline was probably waiting in his bed back at the motel.

But this was where he wanted to be and where he didn't have a right to be.

Gently, he stroked Natalie's bare shoulder and placed a kiss on her cheek. Reluctantly, he moved out of the bed and stood up and began to put his clothes, which were scattered about the room in silent testament to their passion, back on. When he was clothed he stood over the bed and watched her sleep. Finally, he forced himself to leave. When the door was closed behind him he took a deep breath.

"I love you, Natalie Vega," he whispered to the empty hallway.

End - for now


	2. Landing in London II

Landing in London Chapter 2

By: Athena13 PG-13  
Category: Romance, Drama, Jolie  
Summary: JOLIE. Takes place after 2/05.  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Frankly, I would treat them better if I did. Bring the real John McBain back!

Author Notes: Thanks for all the feedback. This one is thanks to kindredspirits.us and the fantastic videos showing when John McBain wasn't a pod person. Listen to Bad Company "When You Needed Somebody" and 3 Doors Down when you read this. Every story has a soundtrack!

>>>>>>>>>>>>  
And all these days I spend away  
I'll make up for this I swear  
I need your love to hold me up  
When its all too much to bear  
When the night falls in around me  
I don't think I'll make it through  
I'll use your light to guide the way  
Cause all I think about is you  
"Landing in London" by 3 Doors Down  
>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>>>

John shuffled from one foot to another and jiggled the change in his pocket. He tried to look nonchalant, but he just looked like a sixth grader waiting to be called into the principal's office. Which, in fact, was how he felt. It was his and Natalie's first joint session with her therapist. He had no idea what the hell he was supposed to say. He had already had his own first therapy session and the fifty minutes felt like two hundred hours as he answered the therapist's questions about his past and he told John about his methods. He almost ran out the door when they started talking about goal setting. Goals? What goals? His only goal was to make Natalie happy. Why did he have to talk to do that?

Which was precisely, he sighed to himself, why he was here now. Willing to go through this again. And again. And for as long as Natalie needed. Who knows, he dug his fingers through his hair, maybe it would help him be a better parent to their son. At the thought of the baby a goodfy grin stretched across his face.

"John, why don't you come in," Natalie's therapist held the door open. He hadn't even heard her come out.

"Sure, okay." John cleared his throat and walked past the tall woman into the comfortable looking room. His smile was gone, replaced by a "deer in headlights" expression.

He forced his lips into a brief smile at Natalie and sat down on the couch next to her. He put his palms face down on his thighs to prevent himself from fidgeting

"I understand you're nervous, John. And you're probably not sure why you're here," Kelly said.

She had a therapist's voice, calm and empathetic. John squirmed.

"Natalie, perhaps you should tell him what you told me."

"All of it?" Natalie asked, hesitantly.

"Yes. One of the things that Natalie has said is that there has always been problems between the two of you in the area of communication. I've requested that she communicate with you openly and honestly, even if she's afraid it might hurt your feelings or make her look bad."

"That sucks, huh?" John smiled at Natalie.

"Only if you refuse to do the same." Natalie smiled back at him.

John silently mouthed "Oh," causing Natalie to laugh, then her expression completely sobered.

"Here I go." Natalie took a deep breath. "John, since the day we met there has been one lie or another between us. An agenda. Guilt. Attraction. Grief. I don't think we were ever really friends. And if we're going to be parents together, we need to learn how to do that. We need to learn to trust one another."

"I trust you, Natalie," John said after a moment internalizing what she said.

"I don't trust you, John."

>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>>>>>>>

John frowned as he closed his office door behind him. He dropped the folder he'd gone to get onto his desk and ran a hand over his stiff neck. He didn't even bother going to sit in his chair. He was too damn jumpy to just sit down. It had been a week since he and Natalie had slept together and things were even more awkward and tense than he could have imagined it could be between them. They couldn't look each other in the eye and their work conversation was stilted and short. He knew that everyone noticed the change and he was sure gossip was running rampant since they had been left alone in Rodi's last Friday. But no one dared to say it to or around him, which was to their advantage since he was just looking for a chance to ram something down someone's throat.

Natalie wasn't anymore comfortable or serene at her desk. For the first time since she had started this job she wished she didn't sit in the middle of the squad room. She felt like she was under a microscope and she wasn't blind to the curious glances or whispers behind her back. She knew that none of it was mean-spirited, people were curious. Especially cops. It was the nature of the beast. Somehow, she and John had to get back onto solid footing, or at least a professional one. One big problem, however, was that John apparently hadn't told Evangeline what had happened.

"Natalie, honey."

"Mom, what are you doing here?" Natalie stood up and gave her mother, Vicki, a hug.

"Why don't you come into Bo's office. I have something for you." Vicki's expression was serious.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Natalie asked.

Vicki just took Natalie's hand and led her into Bo's office. Bo stood up from behind his desk and came to greet his former sister-in-law and niece.

"To what do I owe this pleasure?" Bo asked.

"This came in the mail today. Natalie, it's for you." Vicki held out an envelope.

With a curious look Natalie took the envelope, it was addressed to Vicki. She looked at the return address, it was a law firm in Harrisburg she'd never heard of, and then up at her mother and uncle. Bo just looked as puzzled as she was and Vicki looked worried. Natalie opened the flap and from inside she pulled a handwritten letter and a typed letter. Before she could open it the typed letter fell to the floor and she was left holding the handwritten letter. She opened the letter and froze.

"Mom?" Natalie's voice sounded shrill in the silent room.

Vicki moved forward and then stopped, waiting.

"Mom, this is Cristian's handwriting." Natalie began to read the letter, visible tremors shaking her body.

Bo looked at Vicki questioningly and saw tears in her eyes. He bent down and picked up the typed letter. He scanned it quickly and shock spread across his face. Hastily he put the letter back down at his desk and moved forward to his niece. He was just in time to catch her as her legs began to collapse under her.

"No!" Natalie wailed.

"Forrester!" Bo called out. In a moment a uniformed officer was at the door. Before he had a chance to satisfy his curiosity Bo was ordered him to get John McBain, immediately.

"Oh, my god, oh my god," Natalie was repeating over and over again. Vicki kneeled down and was trying to calm her daughter while Bo was hugging her to him.

"You wanted..." John was saying when he walked in the office.

"You bastard!" With a burst of strength Natalie pulled free from Bo's embrace and charged at John. She began pounding at his chest and caught him with a good punch in the face. John didn't try to defend himself. Bo grabbed her and pulled her away and she collapsed into tears.

"My husband. My husband. My husband. Cristian," Natalie cried over and over again.

Bo looked at John with a grim expression on his face.

>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>>>

"You didn't give me a chance, you ran off with Paul!"

"And you never said another word about it while we were at the hospital. You said you were a cop first."

"All right, I think the point is that both of you were at fault for not getting together. In fact, that neither of you were ready," Kelly interrupted this second therapy session.

"I guess we're making good progress?" Natalie sighed and let out a forced laugh.

"Are you all right?" John asked as he watched, worriedly, Natalie stroking her stomach.

"I'm fine." Natalie's expression softened at his concern.

"Well, that's all for today, but I do have an assignment for both of you," Kelly said.

"Aww, not homework." Natalie screwed her face up, causing everyone to laugh at her immature antics.

"For the next week I want you two to have scheduled time together. Every day if you can work that into your schedule, Lieutenant. During that time, you two are to make a concerted effort to be completely honest with each other. I don't mean hurtful, I don't mean expressing every thought that crossed into your head. Part of this process is learning discretion, but also communicating clearly and completely."

John looked pained, as any guy used to keeping his own counsel would.

"Thank you, Kelly." Natalie stood up and gave her therapist a hug.

John shook her hand and followed Natalie into the waiting room.

"I guess we should sync our schedules," John said slowly, reluctant to end their time together. Natalie had been home for a week and he'd only gotten a chance to see her a few times, two of those at their scheduled therapy sessions.

"Why don't we do that over dinner, now. We're hungry." Natalie rubbed her stomach.

"Yeah?" John asked, his eyes on her pregnant belly.

"Yeah." Natalie grabbed his hand and placed it under hers on her stomach. "You should feed your son."

John's smile was bright and he nodded happily.

"Should we really be feeding our son burgers from Rodi's?" John asked as they sat across from each other at a little table not far from the pool table. In fact, John had thought to himself as they sat down, it was the same table they had sat at the night junior was conceived.

"Just don't tell on me. I've been force fed healthy food for months. I needed this." Natalie bit into her burger and closed her eyes in bliss at the taste of fat and grease.

"You don't want to get too fat," John said.

Natalie put down her burger, her eyes wide and cleared her throat.

"Huh?" John looked up from his fries.

"Do you even listen to yourself before you talk?" she asked.

John ran through his words in his head and then his eyes widened and he began to stutter and back track.

"Chill, John. I'm not taking offense. This time. But if you catch me when my hormones are raging you might end up with a pool cue somewhere uncomfortable." Natalie laughed and grabbed one of John's fries.

"You have your own!" he pointed out, though he didn't really mind.

"I'm eating for two." Natalie shrugged and picked her burger up again.

"Do you have raging hormones? I mean, sure, of course you do, but, like what happens?"

"Scared?" Natalie asked.

"Hell yes!"

"Good. I need some leverage with you," Natalie said.

"Honey, you're pregnant with my son you don't need anymore leverage. You have me in therapy for god's sake," John whispered the last part.

"I sort of demanded that, didn't I? Listen, if you really don't want to you don't have to. I thought...well, whatever I thought I don't have a right to...I'll always let you be a father to your son. I didn't mean it as a threat."

John didn't look her in the eyes and shrugged.

"I didn't want to do this kind of thing at first either. I was too macho and stuff. But for junior I had to do something to de-stress and be a better mother than Roxy was."

"You'd never be a bad mother."

"Well, maybe not like that. But I could have been a bitter and angry one. I don't want my son growing up without a father or with one I hate."

"This therapy stuff, it's not so bad," he mumbled.

"Yeah?" she asked looking pleased and relieved.

"Yeah. So we have this assignment. Sounds to me like dating," John said.

"Kinda does." Natalie blushed and looked down in her lap. "Kind of ridiculous with me six months pregnant."

"We did rather put the cart before the horse," John agreed. "Still, it might be kind of nice."

"Maybe."

"So what do you want to do on our medically ordered dates?" John took a sip of his beer, grinning as he noticed Natalie's yearning expression as she fiddled with her water.

"Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment if you can get off work. We're doing a sonogram, you'd see junior."

"I can't believe you call him junior too. What time?"

"Eleven O'Clock."

"I'll be there. If you tell me where it is."

"Then you can take us for a healthy lunch."

"It's a date." John smiled.

>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>>>>>>>

"I have to suspend you for lying to this Department," Bo said from across the desk from John.

"I understand, Commissioner," John said.

"Don't Commissioner me, John. I don't approve of what you did, but I can understand you wanting to protect my niece. She may never forgive you, though."

"I know." John looked down at his lap for a moment before looking back up and meeting his boss's eyes.

"I don't understand why you didn't tell me, but at least you told the FBI and the Department of Corrections. If you hadn't I'd have to do more than suspend you. Jail sentence would be more likely."

John nodded.

"Dammit, John. Why the hell did you do it?"

"He asked me to. He didn't want her married to someone who might never get out of prison. If I'd known before the sentencing." John frowned. "It was a stupid decision, but I didn't think it was mine to make."

"God, Bo." John closed his eyes as he remembered Natalie's reaction. First the heartbroken hysteria, then the quiet despair. He felt like his heart was being ripped out right along with hers.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Natalie sat in the attic at Llanfair. Cristian's paintings were stacked around her, along with her wedding dress and other items representing her and Cristian's too short life together. It had been two weeks since she had found out about John and Cristian's deception. And two hours since she had found out she was pregnant with John's child. She didn't have the energy to be pissed off anymore. What just a few hours ago had seemed like the cruel hand of fate had irrevocably changed. Anger had turned into resentment and fear. And damn it all to hell, love, for her baby.

She hated John. Would be quite happy to hate John for the rest of her life. But now she had something, someone, else to think of her. Her baby. Their baby. She grew up without a father, as had John for the most part, neither of them wished that for their child. But what could she do about it when she wished the same lonely death on John that he had condemned her husband to in Statesville. That Cristian had condemned himself to and, by proxy, had condemned her heart to without her consent.

But now she couldn't just think of herself, or even Cristian. And that knowledge created a breach where logic, sense and other emotions were starting to trickle in. Including the admission that John was a good man who didn't seem to make smart decisions when his emotions were involved, but who would probably be a good father. And regardless of whether Natalie thought he would be a good father or not, he was one and she was not going to make the same mistake he had and keep the truth from him. Reluctantly, Natalie got up and went downstairs to begin the rest of her life.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Natalie."

John's gravelly voice saying her name still made shivers go down her spine, it pissed her off.

"Can I come in?" Natalie said pointedly when he didn't invite her in.

"Uh, yeah, of course," John moved out of the way.

"Do you want something to drink?" John asked.

"This isn't exactly a social call," Natalie said, wishing she could have one last beer.

"Then you might as well start telling me off, then" John said.

"If I did that I might not stop. That's not why I'm here now."

John looked at her curiously.

"I have something to tell you. You should sit down, John."

"All right," John drawled out and sat down on the couch.

"Have you told Evangeline about what happened between us a few weeks ago?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah. I figured there were enough secrets rattling around in here," John said, running his hand through his hair.

"Then it won't be such a shock when everyone finds out that I'm pregnant."

John's hand froze where it was massaging the back of his neck. He looked as if he thought he had heard wrong. Then he stood up, stunned and reached out to grab her arm.

"Did you say pregnant?" He held on like he was afraid she was going run away.

"Don't touch me," Natalie said acidly and pulled her arm from his grasp.

"We used protection that night," John said stupidly.

"Yes. And I'm on the pill. Was on the pill. I guess this was supposed to happen."

"Are you sure it's mine and not...Cristian's?"

"Yes," Natalie hissed.

"What...are you...I don't know what to say here. What I have the right to say."

"I'm going to keep the baby and I want it to have a father. I know that much. Beyond that, I don't know what or how to do this."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

"What you did was so despicable, John. I can't see myself forgiving you, but now I have to. So I'm going to go away for a while and try to work this out. To London to stay with my father."

"For how long?" John motioned as if to touch her again, but stopped himself at the last moment.

"I don't know. I'll be back before the baby is born. Don't try to contact me. Don't come to London. I can't even bear to look at you right now." With that, Natalie walked out. Leaving him standing alone and impotent in his empty apartment, the slot machine Natalie had given him once upon a time flashing behind him.

End - for now


	3. Landing in London III

Landing in London III

By: Athena13

Thanks everyone who has reviewed for all of the encouragement. I can't tell from this side of the keyboard if this is any good!

Happy Birthday, Sweetie! I hope you like this!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
And when the night falls in around me  
I don't think I'll make it through  
I'll use your light to guide the way  
'Cause all I think about is you  
And all these days I spend away  
I'll make up for this I swear  
I need your love to hold me up  
When it's all too much to bear  
"Landing in London", 3 Doors Down  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A gloved hand carefully placed photographs onto the marred wood surface of the motel room's desk. As each black and white image was placed down, a notation was made on the yellow pad by another hand. The faces in the photos were well familiar to the people studying them, but study them again and again they would. Mistakes were not tolerated in their line of work, not by any employer and certainly not by their current one.

The images began to repeat, the same subject, but different locations, different angles. They were being watched. Habits were being studied.

"This one is new," a voice said as a photograph of a beautiful, pregnant woman was placed down.

"She just came back to town. This is the wife. She's pregnant with the ex-FBI's agents baby."

"There should be a premium for that one then."

"Yes. But this is the one that is most important."

A photograph of Antonio Vega was placed down on top of the picture of Natalie Vega.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Before  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Natalie Vega stood on the balcony outside her suite at her father's London townhouse. She had been in London for a week already, but it was all a blur. The last thing she remembered was leaving John standing stunned in his apartment and suddenly she found herself here in her predominantly green, feminine suite. Talking to her mother, taking a leave of absence, packing and the flight to England was all a haze. Her week in London was made even hazier by the effects of jet lag, shock, grief and early pregnancy. She remembered greeting her brothers - Joey and Cord, and her cousin Sara. She remembered talking with her father about what she planned to do. She remembered his invitation to stay as long as she wanted, even if it was forever. But beyond that she was just going through the motions.

Now, she felt the cool air of the English fall evening flowing over her suddenly enlivened nerves and she was grateful. Grateful to be far from Llanview and in this place where she wasn't known and there was nothing for her to know. Nothing was required of her here. There was no need to pretend everything was all right and no need to pretend every thing was all wrong.

"I knocked." Her brother Joey's voice startled her.

"I was just taking in the night air." Natalie held out a hand and welcomed her brother's peaceful presence.

"Enjoy it while you can. English winters are dreary and long. And cold."

"We have winter in America."

"Not like this. Most people don't come here for a winter to cheer up." Joey put an arm around his sister.

"I was just thinking how relieved I am to be here." Natalie laughed at the irony.

"I'm glad you're here too. I was just wondering why."

"Mother didn't fill you in?" Natalie looked up at her brother knowingly.

"She told us the circumstances, but only you can tell me what's going on inside that stubborn head and heart of yours." Joey pinched her arm and pressed a kiss to her head.

"Confusion. That's what's going on in here." Natalie pointed to her head and then rested it against his shoulder.

"Come inside and sit down. We can leave the door open and let the breeze in." Joey guided her back inside before she could think. He'd been dying to get her to open up to him for a week, he wasn't going to waste the opportunity. He sat them in the collection of cushioned chairs in the sitting alcove in her bedroom area.

"I hate him. Both of them. Cristian and John. And whoever it was that set all this in motion. Taking Cristian and brainwashing him. I..." Natalie trailed off, her eyes dry but clearly tormented.

"You can say anything to me without judgment."

"Man of the cloth that you are." Natalie said for a moment's deflection.

"I almost wish he had died in Vegas instead of having to endure...having to die as he did. He must have been so lonely and pained. Scared. I feel like I failed him."

"You didn't fail him, Natalie. You had no control over what happened to him and what he chose to do."

"But I might have if John had been honest with me. If Cristian had been honest with me. I know he was sick, but it doesn't stop me from being angry. And unbearably sad."

"All of that is understandable."

Natalie nodded and leaned forward towards her brother. "But then there's all this other stuff. That's what is confusing me."

"Stuff?" Joey asked.

"Peace. Love. Hope. It's crazy, in the middle of all this. It must be hormones." Natalie leaned back and smiled wryly.

"It probably is hormones, or at least that's part of it. You are carrying love and hope and the future inside you."

"Go on, say it. I know you're dying to." Natalie looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

"Is this love for John?"

"God help me, it is. Despite all he's done. Not just about Cristian, but the head games. The fact that he's in a relationship with another woman. There's just always been...something. Since that first moment. I've tried to shake it, but..." Natalie hit the arm of her chair to punctuate her point.

"Something drawing you two together." Joey said knowingly.

"Besides the fact that I'm carrying his child."

"Does he know?"

"Yes. I told him before I left. I also asked him to stay away and promised I would be back." Natalie stood up, whipping her still lithe figure back and forth behind her former seat.

"It agitates you."

"Hell, yes. Do you know how mature that was?" She sneered.

"Actually, yes. I'm quite proud of you. It's a novel thing in Llanview sometimes."

"I should never have told him. I should have kept it secret, like he did to me, until I could spring it on him at some dramatic moment. Like his wedding to Evangeline. It must be hormones."

"Hormones seem to be doing you good stead. Will they get you to forgive him?"

"There's the thing. I can't imagine forgiving him for condemning Cristian to his death. I can't imagine not forgiving him for the sake of our child. I want to shoot him at the same time I want to put his hand on my growing belly and see his look of wonder feeling it move. How sappy."

"Very sappy. You're going to make a wonderful mother, little sister."

"Do you think so?" Natalie asked, her voice low and young sounding.

"Definitely."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"John should be here any minute, unless something came up at work. He's a cop."

"When he comes I'll send him right in. Change into one of our lovely gowns and a technician will be in shortly."

"Yeah, shortly," Natalie muttered to herself after the nurse left. Shortly, she had learned the hard way, in the medical world meant longer than in the real world. What was the point of appointments she had complained more than once if only she had to be on time?

"Lovely gown. Piece of freakin' paper towel with my ass hanging out," she continued to grumble because it was better than wondering where John was and if he was going to show up.

"I'd like to see that."

Natalie spun around to see John leaning casually against the closed door.

"How is it that you are now able to enter rooms without me hearing you?" she asked, referring to her first night back when he surprised her in the kitchen.

"Must be a side effect of pregnancy." John shrugged and took the paper gown out of her hands. "May I help the lady change?" He leered.

"You think you're all that, don't you?" Natalie raised her chin in dismissal.

John shrugged, his grin only widening.

"I can change my clothes quite easily, once you turn around." Natalie pointed towards the door.

"If you insist," John handed her the gown back and turned around.

A few minutes later she let him know she was done and he turned around to see her attempting to get on the table.

"Thanks," she said breathlessly a moment later after he had helped her up.

"Ever since I started my third trimester my agility is going out the window. Soon I'll be waddling."

"Sexy." John grinned and pulled on one of her pig tails.

Natalie snorted and primly put her hands in her lap.

"No, really. Do you have any idea how sexy you are?"

"Like this?" She didn't believe him for a moment.

Before John could say anything the door opened and the technician walked in.

"Hello, Ms. Vega, Mr. McBain. I'm Barbara. I'll be performing the sonagram on your son."

Greetings were passed around and as Barbara prepared the machinery, and Natalie, she explained the procedure. There was a moment of awkwardness when Natalie had to lift the gown over her stomach in front of John, but he had the grace to pretend he didn't notice the flush on her face. Just as she ignored his.

"Everything looks fine. I'll print out a couple of pictures for you to take home. The doctor will be in shortly to perform the rest of your exam. Here's a wipe for the goo." She handed it to John and left the room.

"Uh," John looked from Natalie's stomach and up to her face.

"I can do it."

"Oh, no, I will." He recovered more quickly than she did and gently began to wipe off the gel that was spread across her stomach to help focus the picture-taking sound waves.

Natalie started up at the ceiling and tried to focus on counting tiles instead of the sensation of John's hand on her naked stomach. It was excruciatingly embarrassing and arousing at the same time.

"Mr. McBain, if you'll come in." The nurse led John into the Doctor's office where she and Natalie were waiting. He had a fleeting feeling that waiting rooms were becoming too familiar, but it passed as he took a seat in front of the doctor's desk next to Natalie who was now fully clothed.

"Natalie thought you might want to sit in on this part of our consultation, though after I say what I have to say she might regret it," Doctor Meade said.

"Is something wrong?" John leaned forward.

"Nothing that rest and a close eye on Natalie won't take care of. I concur with your British doctor, your blood pressure is on the high end of the spectrum. It's in normal range, but notably higher than your pre-pregnancy pressure."

"What does that mean?" John asked worriedly.

"That means that there is nothing wrong, but we want to keep a close eye so that no problems do develop."

"What kind of problems," John persisted.

"John," Natalie reached out a hand to calm him.

"I've been in the dark long enough, I need to know." John said this directly to Natalie.

Taken aback, Natalie pulled her hand away and absently nodded at the doctor to continue.

"It could cause early delivery, low birth weight, kidney damage and it could be a precursor to a more dangerous condition called Preeclampsia. There are no other signs of that at this point. But I will want to see Natalie every two weeks for the next six weeks and then weekly for the remainder of her pregnancy."

"What can I do?" John asked.

"Make sure she eats healthy, not a lot of sodium and make sure she rests."

John turned and glared at her accusingly.

Natalie bit her lip and looked away. She knew he was thinking of the burger and fries they'd had the day before. But he had been shut out until now, he had a right to his concern. It would be refreshing for them to worry over something like this rather than a killer targeting them, actually.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"The FBI won't give me any information," Bo said with obvious frustration.

Antonio Vega and John McBain were sitting in front of his desk, John just returned from suspension. They too suffered from frustration.

"I can't get anything either." John said. He had spent his entire suspension tracking down anyone and everyone he had ever known at the Bureau to get information. He had been effectively blocked out, which meant that either they had nothing or they had something big.

"Sonia is not returning my calls," Antonio snapped. He hadn't wanted to call his former lover, but he had to know who had done what they had to his brother - his real brother, Cristian. He needed closure, but more than that, he needed revenge.

He glanced over at John, pleased to see the bruising he had planted on his friend's face was still slightly visible. It cooled his simmering blood. Slightly.

"This is a federal matter, I'm told. This happens in my city, to my cops and my family and it's a federal matter my ass."

"They haven't even asked for our evidence," Antonio pointed out. Cristian's notebook was sitting on his desk. He'd been through every damn word twenty times and found nothing that helped.

"Doesn't make any sense." Bo shook his head.

John was just as concerned as anyone else about this. He had been pushing the feds for months now for something, but his mind was wandering.

"Earth to John."

"Dammit!" John stood up and pushed his chair aside. Juvenile, perhaps, but it felt good.

"With all the testosterone flying around in here maybe we should all go undercover at The Hook Up," Antonio joked. John's frustration made him feel quite a bit better. He hadn't quite forgiven his friend for keeping Cristian's secret, but having Natalie pregnant with his child and out of his reach exacted some revenge. He knew how it felt.

Bo and Antonio shared a look, but remained silent.

"At least tell me she's all right!" John demanded.

"Chief McBain, this isn't the time or place." Bo stood up and glared at John.

John took a few deep breaths and apologized.

"One way or another we're going to find out what the hell is going on. And, John, you're to stay away from my niece until she says otherwise."

John nodded and walked out.

Bo shook his head and looked at Antonio.

"I don't know if Natalie will ever forgive him," Bo said.

"I know the feeling," Antonio said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"John, it's the middle of the day. I'm not going to bed. Don't you need to get back to work?" Natalie stood at the foot of the stairs at the cottage resisting John's efforts to put her to bed.

"The doctor said you should rest."

"Get more rest, not rest all day. John, I feel fine." She put her hand over the one he had clasping her shoulder. "Really."

John blew out a breath and dropped his head for a moment. "I feel really helpless, ya know."

"There's nothing to feel helpless about. I'm fine." Natalie put her hand on his chin and lift his head until their eyes met. "I'll let you hover, up to a point."

John licked his lips and swallowed. He nodded, his eye straying to her lips.

"What I said before," John said, his voice serious. "About how sexy you are. Very, very, sexy." He slid his free hand around Natalie's waist and pulled her against him. The hand he had on her shoulder he slipped behind her neck.

"Is this a strategy to get me up to bed?" Natalie asked, her voice sounding just a touch breathless.

John laughed quietly at her accusation. "Maybe."

Natalie sighed and pushed John away. John stiffened and opened his mouth to defend himself when he really looked at her expression. She wasn't upset, she was wistful and aroused. He closed his mouth and smiled.

"Go back to work, John. Before my Uncle Bo fires you."

"Can I bring you dinner?" John asked.

"We've already had our once a day time," Natalie said.

"So." John shrugged and grinned at her.

"How about tomorrow night? I have plans with Roxy tonight."

"Oh, Lord! You'd better make sure you rest up." John warned.

"Go, get out of here." Natalie pushed John to the door, opened it and pushed him outside.

John turned around and stole a quick kiss on the lips before turning and walking away.

Natalie stood in the doorway and watched him walk away, a bemused expression on her face.

Neither of them saw the man standing across the street take their pictures.

End - for now


	4. Landing in London IV

Landing in London 4  
by Athena13

Author Notes: thanks everyone for the encouragement. Especially PCGirl whose own fic I love!

>>>>>>>>>>  
Last night I was blown away  
I said a million things I'd never say  
I was knocked right down, it got to me  
Gonna get me some of your chemistry  
You want me to promise you  
That everything is true  
"Promises" by Def Leppard  
>>>>>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>>>>>  
London, England

Natalie Vega was one of the few people grateful for the cold winter. Swollen was the word she used to describe her second trimester. It seemed as if the very day it started everything began to pop. From her breasts to her stomach. But she could hide it under thick winter outerwear and pretend, for a while, she didn't have big decisions to make about the baby's father.

She'd had another letter delivered in the post that day. She was doing what she always did when she got a letter from John - she went to the coffee shop down the road from her father's townhouse and sat amongst strangers - tourists and city workers - and read the letter while sipping tea and eating toast.

The letters reminded her of the John she knew for a brief time before Cris came back. Not that he opened himself up to her as much as he was in these letters, but at least in his eyes she could see what he was thinking and feeling. Not like lately, since the secret, when his eyes and expression were blank. It had been jarring to see him look at her like that most of the time. But now, she had his letters.

The first had come almost a month after she left Llanview and one came every couple of weeks. She never answered them, but she read them all. At first, she was reading to try and understand how he could have done what he did to Cris. Now, she was looking forward to learning things about John she'd never known. Like about how he felt when his father had died or how terrified he was when he found her in his bed with the bomb strapped to her body.

He never wrote the L-word, but it seemed to be there between every line. Like it used to be in his eyes when he looked at her.

Today's letter was about the summer he spent life guarding in Asbury Park. About steak sandwiches, sunburn and the families he watched enjoying their time together on the beach.

Unconsciously, Natalie's hand moved to rest on her gently rounded stomach as she read about John's feelings about family. When she was finished with the letter she folded it up and put it back into the envelope. With a pensive look on her face she poured herself another cup of tea.

"Is this seat taken?"

Natalie looked up to find a gorgeous looking Puerto Rican man about her age with his hand on the chair across from her.

>>>>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>>>>  
Angel Square Diner

"I'm glad you came to visit me, Hija," Carlotta held Natalie's hands across the small diner table. It was the lull between the lunch and dinner crowd and they were alone.

"Me too." Natalie's smile was bittersweet. "I should have come sooner, but I didn't know if you'd want to see me."

"Perhaps I didn't know what to say either. But I don't doubt that you loved my Cristian." Carlotta's eyes were sad.

"I do love, Cristian, but I..." Natalie broke off, uncertain of what she should and could say to this woman.

"But you have your child to think of now and John McBain is that child's father," Carlotta finished for her.

"Have you talked to him?"

"Yes. A few times. He came to see me right away and I tossed him out. He kept coming back. Now, he comes to see me every week or so to check on me. I guess I've become some sort of obligation. That man does not travel light."

"Have you forgiven him?"

"Yes. I have. My God would not have it any other way. That's not to say it was easy. He tried to do the right thing. He was not the person who took Cristian and sentenced him to this end."

Natalie shrugged, keeping her eyes on their entwined hands.

"Talk to me," Carlotta urged.

"Sometimes I think I've forgiven him, but then I think of Cris and what he must have." She broke off and looked at Carlotta. At Carlotta's nod she continued. "When I think of Cris and what he must have felt I get so angry at John."

"You're afraid to let it go because you think it means you've forgotten about Cris."

Natalie smiled wryly and squeezed Carlotta's hand. "And I've been paying a therapist to tell me that."

"You'll get it in your own time. Just know that I just want you to be happy. And I would love it if I could consider this child my grand?"

"Son. It's a boy."

"When are you due?"

"June 1st." Natalie smiled and shrugged.

Carlotta opened her mouth to speak, but before a sound came out there was a crash of something coming through the front window of the diner. Then another.

"Get down," Natalie yelled and pulled Carlotta with her to the floor.

"I'm going to go see what that was." Carlotta whispered.

"Be careful." Natalie pulled at her purse which she had placed on the floor under the table and slid it towards her. She opened it and pulled out her cell phone and dialed 911. She didn't see the smoke beginning to creep towards around her.

"There's fire!" Carlotta rushed back, no longer ducking and pulled Natalie to her feet and grabbed the cell phone.

"There's a fire. Someone threw something through the front windows. We're going to go out the back." Carlotta pulled Natalie with her towards the kitchen where she told the cook what was going on.

"It's stuck!" the cook called out as he tried to force the back door open.

"The back door is blocked!" Carlotta cried into the phone. Smoke was starting to pour into the kitchen and the glow of flames were reflecting on the round window of the kitchen door.

The cook grabbed a fire extinguisher and started smashing it against the door. It didn't budge.

Carlotta handed Natalie the telephone and began to gather rags, wet them in the sink and put them under the swinging kitchen door. Her efforts only minimally successful in blocking the smoke.

Natalie began to feel a tickle in her throat and panic began to set in.

>>>>>>>>>>

"McBain," John said distractedly into the telephone.

"There's been a fire bomb at the Diner. Natalie is in their with my mother. The 911 operator said they're trapped."

John dropped the phone and the file he was reading on his desk and ran out.

>>>>>>>>>>

Natalie and Carlotta were crouched down on the right side of the door. The cook on the left. The firemen were on the other side and had warned them to step aside. All of the occupants were holding wet clothes over their noses and mouths. Natalie had her free hand entwined with Carlotta's and on her stomach. Tears were streaming from their smoke irritated eyes.

Flames had plowed through the kitchen door and were edging towards them.

>>>>>>>>>>

John stood pacing around Antonio who stood perfectly still next to Bo outside the Diner. They were watching the fireman ram the door which had obviously been tampered with to trap the occupants inside with the fire. Ambulances and paramedics stood on the ready.

John kept stroking his hand down the back of his hair as he paced, feeling helpless as Natalie and their baby were trapped inside. They still had the cell phone connection open, but the fire department had taken over the communications so he didn't even know if they were all right. He had no idea what kind of damage the smoke could do to the baby. He wouldn't let himself think of the alternative.

"What's taking so long." He heard Antonio ask Bo as they waited. John stopped pacing and put his hand on Antonio's shoulder.

Just then the firemen were successful in breaking the door down and they rushed in to gather the occupants and try to get the raging fire under control.

John sprinted towards the door and got there just as Natalie was led out. He slid between everyone else and lifted her off her feet and hurried her to the paramedics.

End - for now.


	5. Landing in London V

Landing in London 5

by Athena13

>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>

Natalie had been gone a week when the letter came. It wasn't unexpected, but he had no idea what the man who had given up his wife and taken his own life would have to say to him.

Blast him for not taking care of his wife?

Blast him for keeping his secret and condemning him to his death?

Blast him for trying to break his word and get him out of prison?

He couldn't have been more surprised by the letter's contents.

Frustrated and angry, John dropped the letter onto the pool table and grabbed the bottle of whiskey. He'd been playing it safe and sober since his suspension from the force, but it wasn't getting him anywhere. After this, he might as well seek oblivion.

With a shaky hand he poured himself a generous helping from the bottle of Wild Turkey that Evangeline had gotten him one night in a failed bid to bring herself down to his class. But this wasn't about Evangeline and he wasn't going to spend his self-castigation chips wondering what he was thinking being involved in that relationship. He knew the answer to that very well - he was keeping himself safe from his feelings from Natalie. No, he had better sorrows to drown out.

The first being the fact that Natalie was pregnant with his child, three thousand miles away in London and could barely stand to be in the same room with him. The other being that her dead husband had just written thanking him for keeping the secret and asking him to keep looking out for his widow. The ultimate of ironies.

Cris explained that he had been programmed to take his own life and he didn't want to resist anymore. He wanted to end the secrets and his struggle. He wanted Natalie to know the truth so that she could get past it and so whoever had done this to him couldn't use it against her someday.

God. John ran a hand over his face. That man loved Natalie. As she deserved to be loved.

Not like him. John took another slug of whiskey and grimaced.

He was just pouring himself another glass and contemplating drinking straight from the bottle when he heard a knock at the door.

"Shit."

"John. I know you're in there. Open up."

Michael.

His brother come to check up on him. As he had almost every day since he had shown up at Michael and Marcie's shell-shocked from Natalie's bombshell that she was pregnant.

Resigned, John took a quick hit of the rough alcohol and went and opened the door. He held the door open and let Michael walk past him into the messy apartment.

"You look like shit, John. And you smell like a brewery." Michael turned and faced his brother across the pool table.

"Distillery. And I've only had one and half drinks."

"It's not going to do anything but give you a hangover. Natalie will still be pregnant and you'll still be suspended."

"It might make me forget, for a little while, Doctor Brother."

Michael raised an eyebrow and then noticed the papers lying in the middle of the pool table.

"A letter from Natalie?"

"Cristian Vega."

"Damn," Michael whispered.

"Yeah. Want a drink?" John asked.

"Nah. What did he have to say to you?"

"Take care of his widow." John laughed bitterly. "I took care of her all right."

"What are you going to do, John. About the baby. About Natalie."

"What the hell can I do? She asked me to leave her alone. She said she'd come back when she's ready."

"That could be twenty years from now, John. That child deserves a father."

"And Natalie deserves some time to deal with everything I put her through."

"Don't wait too long, man."

"Do you want a drink, Michael? Because that's all I plan to do tonight."

Michael had, of course, been right about the alcohol just giving him a bad head the next morning. It figures that it turned out to be the morning when IA had called to him in. Now, it was just a matter of waiting to see what his career future in Llanview was going to be.

Just as he had to wait for Natalie.

He hated waiting. It went against the grain. When something was broken, he fixed it. When someone needed help, he provided it.

And if he was being brutally honest with himself, if he wanted to avoid something, he avoided it. Or her.

But he wasn't completely helpless.

He promised to not visit or call, but he did not promise to do nothing to tip the scales. So he decided to do that was completely unnatural to him, in a myriad of ways. He sat down and wrote his unborn child a letter. A letter that contained his heart.

>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>

John sprinted towards the door and got there just as Natalie was led out. He slid between everyone else and lifted her off her feet and hurried her to the paramedics.

He eased her gently onto the waiting gurney, but refused to step back while the paramedics looked her over. He held her hand and nervously stroked her hair.

"Is she going to be all right? Check her blood pressure." he demanded.

"I'm fine, John," Natalie said through her smoke rasped throat.

"I, uh." John broke off and ran his hand over his hair, his elbow in the air. He looked down at his shoes and let out a deep breath.

"John." Natalie reached out and grasped his hand. "I"m okay."

"The baby?" His voice was filled with the tears as the panic of the past half hour caught up with him.

"Her pressure is a bit high. We're going to take her to the hospital to have her checked out more thoroughly. Do you want to come with us, Sir?" One of the paramedics asked.

John looked back at the other fire and police officers crowding the scene, then back at Natalie.

"Go with my niece, John. Take care of her, and your son." Bo put his hand on John's shoulder.

John nodded and followed Natalie into the back of the ambulance.

As the ambulance got under way, John noticed that Natalie's cheeks were flushed and she was trembling. Silently, he took her hand and began to stroke her hair off her damp and sooty face. He leaned his head close to her ear and began to murmur calming words. Under his hand her pulse still raced.

"She's still flushed. Her doctor is concerned about her pressure," John told the paramedics with a calmness that belied the fear racing through his body.

"We can give her something..."

"No! I don't want anything. It could harm the baby. I'm due in two months." Natalie's hand squeezed John's in panic.

The paramedic looked at John.

"Then you're going to need to calm down. What can I do to help you?" John continued to stroke her forehead.

Natalie closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Natalie. Everything is all right. Everyone is all right. The baby, our son, is all right. I love you."

"What?" Natalie's eyes opened in shock.

"I. I." John's breathing hitched, he had trouble catching his breath.

"Do you need oxygen, John?" One of the paramedics asked, a sly grin on his face.

"John!" Natalie called out to him.

"I..said I love you. This is not quite how I imagined telling you. I was so damned scared when Antonio called me, then when I saw the flames coming out of the front of the diner." John leaned his forehead against Natalie's. "I love you," he whispered.

Natalie's eyes filled with tears and she reached a hand up and began to stroke the back of John's head.

"I love you, too," she whispered.

>>>>>>  
The Cottage

"Please, John. I'd rather rest in my own bed. They'll just wake me up every couple of hours and check my vitals and what not."

"You need your vitals checked."

"Not every two hours. My pressure is fine. I just want to go home." Natalie squeezed his hand, her blue eyes filled with tired tears. "Please. Just take me home. Jess or someone can come stay with me."

"I'll stay with you," John insisted, then he realized he just had been conned into agreeing to take her home.

"Thank you." Natalie sat up and began to slide her feet to the ground.

"You might want to get dressed first," John drawled and put his hands on her arms.

Natalie looked up at John, her eyes wide and disarming. "Wanna help?"

"Oh yeah, totally conned." John rolled his eyes and pulled her to a standing position.

>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>

He never got an answer, but he kept writing. At least once a week. Sometimes more.

Sometimes he just wrote about the cases he was handling or Michael and Marcie's haphazard wedding plans. Other times he wrote about waiting out his suspension and waiting to hear from Natalie. Once he even wrote about his father's death.

Another time he wrote directly to Natalie, telling her how her fire and mess woke him out of his Caitlin induced coma.

And he wrote about his shame at keeping Cristian being alive a secret and for letting him get sent to prison. For not doing more to make sure he got the help he needed.

Only Michael knew about the letters from him, but even he didn't know how many and how honest he was in them. How open. And he didn't know if Natalie had told anyone, Bo or anyone in her family about the letters. Heck, he didn't know if she was even reading them.

But he kept writing.

>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>

"Thank you doing this," Natalie said as she and John walked into Natalie's cottage.

"It's the least I could do. Now, get up to bed before I carry you up there." John put his hands on his hips and smiled at her.

"I'd like to see you try." Natalie put her hands over her pregnant belly and raised her chin.

John shook his head and smiled down at the ground. "Natalie. What am I going to do with you?"

"What do you want to do with me?" Natalie asked.

"Natalie," John said, then stopped.

"You think about it. I'm going to take a nap." Natalie's smiled had disappeared and she turned and headed up the stairs. "You know, I'd really just like a beer and a pool table about now."

"That's how we got into this mess in the first place." John's smile tempered any sting.

"I'll just be upstairs gestating." Natalie stuck her tongue out and disappeared up the stairs.

John sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He wanted to tell her what he really wanted - to marry her and raise their child together. Maybe even have another child. Or two. But not today. Not while she had a rasp in her voice from the smoke. Not while she might be in danger.

John was checking on Natalie for the fifth time in the last two hours. His face was grim. He had finally gotten through to someone at the FBI who was willing to talk. After months of stonewalling their suddenly talking was concerning, but not more concerning than what they were saying.

They were closer to getting to the person who was responsible for kidnaping Cristian and programming him to kill Tico and Antonio. They had their suspicions about who it was. It was believed that Antonio was not the last intended victim and that today's attack was by the same person.

Which was why Commissioner Buchanan had ordered Carlotta, Antonio, Jessica and Jamie into protective custody. RJ was threatening to revive his custody suit for putting Jamie in danger, though Lindsay had talked him down that the danger was her blood, not who she lives with.

Natalie could also be a potential victim because of her close relationship to the Vega men. To that end, John had Michael bring him a suitcase. He wasn't going anywhere.

He walked into the room and lowered himself into the chair next to the bed. He took his gun out and put it on the bedside table and watched her sleep.

>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>

Natalie leaned back and let the fire warm her frozen toes. She and Miguel had stayed out too long after sunset and it had gotten colder than she had been dressed for. But that was London. It wasn't as snowy as Pennsylvania, but it was just as cold with the wet. Natalie liked London now that she had Miguel to hang out with. He was an easy companion and if she hadn't been pregnant she might have done something about how good looking he was.

Their meeting at the café over an English breakfast had been Natalie's luckiest break in a while. She was starting to get restless and lonely being in London without friends or a job. But since she didn't know how long she was staying and given her mercurial emotional state she had agreed with Joey that she would just take it easy and take care of herself.

Miguel, who was taking a year off from college and bumming around Europe had the time to spend with her when he wasn't working at the café where they first met. And when he was working, Natalie sat there reading the English tabloids, or all the books she always wanted to get to but never found the time. Or John's letters.

Miguel always seemed to know when she was reading a letter from John. She would have what he called her "Sad Look" and he'd bring her a cup of herbal tea. Once he had found out she was pregnant he refused to serve her the caffeinated variety.

What she loved most about Miguel is that he never asked questions. He talked about his life back in the Dominican Republic and then New York. He talked about his travels. He talked about his girls. His family. But he never pressured Natalie to talk about her growing up or who the father of her baby was. Or why she sometimes looked so sad.

He let her escape from what her body told her everyday was inevitable.

End...for now


	6. Landing in London VI

Landing in London 6

by Athena13

Forgive me if the Santi timeline is off. I barely paid attention to the storyline.

>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>

"I can hear you pacing in my sleep."

Natalie's quiet voice had John halting in his steps.

"Sorry." He came and sat down on the side of the bed. His hand raised to settle on her stomach, but then hesitated.

Natalie reached out and took his hand. She placed it gently on her stomach as she wrestled to sit up. "What's going on?"

"How are you feeling? How's your throat? Do you need water?" John jumped up and moved towards the door.

"Hold it right there, McBain." Natalie, with less grace than she would have liked, stood up and walked over to John.

"Now. What did you find out?" She looked up at him.

John smirked and stroked Natalie's hair.

"I don't need protecting, not from the truth. Never again."

John's smiled disappeared and was replaced by a blank look that was all too familiar. His hand dropped to his side.

Natalie stood her ground, her eyes never wavered from his.

"Ramirez family. They were once allies of the Santi family. They're behind what happened to Cristian and what happened today at the Diner."

"Why?"

"Do they want the money that Antonio inherited?"

"Juan Ramirez is in charge of the Santi organization now, but my colleagues believe it's personal."

"Personal?"

"Carlotta was supposed to marry Juan Ramirez. She refused and ran away when he swore fealty to her brother."

>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>

"You've been avoiding me, McBain." Antonio walked into John's office without knocking.

"Yeah, well." John ran his hand down the back of his hair and then put his hands on his hips. It was his first day back on the job. He hadn't seen Antonio since their confrontation weeks earlier.

"Now that you're my boss again you won't be able to avoid me. Unless you put me on the night shift. Are you planning to put me on the night shift?" Antonio crossed his arms and looked at John questioningly.

"No, man. I'm not going to put you on the night shift." John smiled and shook his head. He looked down at the files on his desk and then back up at Antonio. "What do you want?"

"Breaking the ice on your first day back."

"Are we good?" John asked, his hands on his hips flaring his jacket behind him.

"We're good. I won't even bring up Natalie for say, oh, another six seconds."

John's smile disappeared and he ran a hand down the back of his hand.

"Do you want to know how she is?" Antonio asked.

"Will you tell me?" John played absently with a piece of paper on his desk, not meeting Antonio's eyes.

"If I do, Jess might kill me."

"Oh, wouldn't want that to happen, Detective Vega." John looked up at Antonio, a "you're whipped" look on his face.

Antonio laughed. "I'll make you a deal. Buy me a cup of decent coffee and I'll give you some clues about how Nat's doing in London."

"Deal."

>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>

"My God. What kind of sick bastard goes to these extremes decades later because a woman jilted him? That's just insane."

Natalie turned around and sat down on the bed.

"You have a strange look on your face," John said.

"I know it's really sick and it's not love, but to be wanted that much." Natalie blew out a breath. "I don't know what I'm talking about. Forget I said anything."

Natalie got up and walked towards the bathroom. John watched her, a pensive look on her face.

When she came out a few minutes later, her face scrubbed and her long, red hair in a pony tail.

"What you said before. What did you mean?"

"Well, it sounded a lot like I wanted a psychotic killer to seek revenge because he can't have me. It was completely inappropriate."

"I didn't think you wanted another obsessive killer on your tail. But you meant something."

"John, now you're scaring me. You want to talk about my feelings?" Natalie's pony tail swung as she walked over to John and tugged on his blue, button down shirt.

"Natalie. What did you mean?"

Natalie shrugged and turned away. "Just that it might have been nice if you had come after me in London."

"You asked me not to. I was respecting that."

"Or maybe you just couldn't be bothered to make an effort to come after me?"

"God, Natalie. I wrote you a freakin' letter every week. Sometimes more. Did you even read them?"

Natalie turned around and looked at him. Her eyes were wet and she looked suddenly very young.

"I read them. More than once. And I kept them. But it wasn't the same as having you come to London and...and, declare yourself."

"I don't know what to tell you, Natalie." John's words were clipped. "You asked me to not call or come to London. Now I'm being, what, faulted for respecting that? I can't win for losing, can I?"

"No. I guess you can't. Poor, John McBain." Natalie slammed her hand on her dresser, sending her hair brush onto the floor. "You sucked me in only to push me away time and again. The most effort you ever made was to _not_ have me!"

"I couldn't have you, Natalie I could never have you."

At his words, Natalie stiffened and looked up to see his reflection in the mirror from where he stood behind her.

"What the hell are you talking about? I practically put a bow on myself and planted myself outside you door!"

"I was responsible for your husband being killed. Then you were with Paul and bent on self-destruction and all I could do was try and protect you from him and yourself."

"And you handily found Evangeline!" Natalie glared at him.

"Then Cristian came back," John continued as if Natalie hadn't spoken. "Then it wasn't him and then it was. Then he asked me to not tell you it really was him so that you could go on with your life. "

John put his hands on Natalie's shoulders and turned her around.

"What was I supposed to do then? Be with you and not tell you about him?"

Natalie turned away. She put a hand to her chest to ease the pressure. Her breath was short, tears were pricking her eyes.

"Don't you understand? I couldn't have you. But god, I wanted you Natalie. I wanted you so much it killed me. Even without Cristian."

John put a hand on Natalie's hair and leaned closer.

"Because I want you more than I wanted my...Caitlin. I feel more for you than I ever felt for her." John ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I was responsible for her death, too, Natalie. Haver killed her because of me."

"John." Natalie turned her head and tried to put her hand on his arm. John moved back, out of her reach.

"I caused all of this. Cristian's death. Caitlin's death. And it gave me you. Everything I ever wanted and nothing I ever deserved to have."John's voice was full of pain and longing. "The guilt crushed me. Until that night. I took that night."

Natalie watched him, waited. Her blue eyes wide and wet. She knew there was nothing she could say to end this battle going on inside of John that hadn't been said before. That she didn't blame him. That Caitlin would want him to be happy.

"I'm tired of feeling guilty, Natalie. I just want to be with you. I just want to love you and our son. I just want."

Still, Natalie stood waiting.

"That's it Natalie. I just want you."

Now, the tears fell from Natalie's blue eyes. Matching the ones falling from John's.

End...for now


	7. Landing in London VII

Landing in London

>>>>>>  
From Chapter 6 -

"What was I supposed to do then? Be with you and not tell you about him?"

Natalie turned away. She put a hand to her chest to ease the pressure. Her breath was short, tears were pricking her eyes.

"Don't you understand? I couldn't have you. But god, I wanted you Natalie. I wanted you so much it killed me. Even without Cristian."

John put a hand on Natalie's hair and leaned closer.

"Because I want you more than I wanted my...Caitlin. I feel more for you than I ever felt for her." John ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I was responsible for her death, too, Natalie. Haver killed her because of me."

"John." Natalie turned her head and tried to put her hand on his arm. John moved back, out of her reach.

"I caused all of this. Cristian's death. Caitlin's death. And it gave me you. Everything I ever wanted and nothing I ever deserved to have."John's voice was full of pain and longing. "The guilt crushed me. Until that night. I took that night."

Natalie watched him, waited. Her blue eyes wide and wet. She knew there was nothing she could say to end this battle going on inside of John that hadn't been said before. That she didn't blame him. That Caitlin would want him to be happy.

"I'm tired of feeling guilty, Natalie. I just want to be with you. I just want to love you and our son. I just want."

Still, Natalie stood waiting.

"That's it Natalie. I just want you."

Now, the tears fell from Natalie's blue eyes. Matching the ones falling from John's.

>>>>>>>  
Chapter 7  
>>>>>>>>  
Then  
>>>>>>>

"You're going to have to go back sometime." Joey Buchanan looked down at his sister who was sitting on the couch, her feet petulantly resting on the priceless mahogany table that served as a coffee table in the sitting room.

"No, I don't." Natalie didn't look up from her seemingly detailed study of her wool socks.

"You can't run forever." Joey sat down and put his hand over hers to still its restless pulling at her sweater.

"Moving is not running. I love London. I love England. This would be a really great place to raise my child."

"Three thousand miles from its father? Do you really want that for your child?"

"No." Natalie moved her hand to cup her swelling stomach.

"You're going to have to deal with John McBain and all the unfinished business you have between you. Preferably, before the baby is born."

Natalie sighed and put her head on her brother's ever present and sturdy shoulder.

"He loves you, Natalie. I don't know McBain very well, but I know that he loves you."

"He lied to me. He let Cristian die in prison. If it weren't for this baby I'd never see him again. I'd have Uncle Bo run him out of town."

"And I wouldn't let you, for your own sake. But now you have the baby to consider and you need to go home. Miguel is not a good substitute."

"You've never liked him, why?" Natalie pulled back and looked at her brother curiously.

"I don't think he's honest about his motives. He's hiding something."

"Maybe you're right. I guess it didn't matter. I just needed something to distract me."

"And now it's time to go home. I'll come with you."

"No, it's okay. I need to do this alone. But I expect you there when your nephew is born."

"It's a deal."

>>>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>>>

"Natalie, it looks like you've been following doctor's orders. Your pressure is still a bit high, but on the low side of the scale. And you've gained an appropriate amount of weight."

"Appropriate," Natalie grumbled before turning to glare at John for laughing.

The doctor didn't bother to bite back her smile at the easy interplay between her patient and her partner. It was so markedly different from the unease between them a couple of months ago.

"Just keep doing what you've been doing. It won't be too long now."

"Easy for you to say. I'm not due for, what, another month?"

"About. But the baby is already at a safe size for delivery. So there are no worries should you go into early labor at this point."

"She'll behave," John promised.

"He's kept me under lock and key ever since the diner fire, even though the Ramirez organization is supposedly out of commission."

John reached a hand out between their chairs. Despite her complaining, Natalie slid her into his firm grasp.

"My gut tells me it's not quite over."

"And since I trust your instincts I'll behave. Not like I can exactly sneak out anywhere being the size of a beached whale."

John laughed and squeezed her hand.

"Thank you, Doc. We'll see you next week. Come on, Fudgie." John stood up and pulled Natalie from her sitting position.

"Mmmm, a Carvel cake sounds good!"

John laughed and pressed a kiss to her waiting forehead.

The contented pair walked out of the doctor's office into the lovely Spring day. Neither noticed the two cars sitting on either end of the street, their occupants watching. And waiting.

End…for now


	8. Landing in London VIII

Warning - there's some cuss words in this one

>>>>>  
Chapter 8  
>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>

"Miguel!" Natalie exclaimed as she saw who it was on the other side of the door.

"Mrs. Vega, we can't let him in without a check."

"Oh, Mark, it's fine. Miguel is a good friend of mine from London. You can…," Natalie trailed off as she imagined John's face if he found out she had flouted his protocol. She knew was **this** close to a safe house. "That's fine. Miguel can you give him your identification. I can't let anyone in without a guard unless they've been cleared."

"What's going on, Nat?" Miguel's chocolate brown eyes were filled with worry and confusion.

"My fiancé is being protective because of some things that happened months ago."

"Fiance? It sounds like things worked out with the baby's father. I'm glad for you." Miguel shifted his weight awkwardly as they stood in the doorway to the cottage.

"Yeah." Natalie's smile was triumphant as she stroked her swelling burden. For a brief moment her smile slipped, but then just as quickly it returned. She'd been battling Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks now, just last week John had rushed them to the hospital at three in the morning even though she had assured him it wasn't necessary. Now, her back was hurting thanks to being unable to find a comfortable position in bed, or anywhere for that matter.

"Officer Reyes will come inside with you while we run this check," Officer Mark Capote told her.

"Come in. Do you want some ice tea? It's unseasonably warm, even for Memorial Day weekend. Tell me what brings you Llanview."

"I got bored with Europe. I thought I'd tour the States before starting college, finally as my father says."

"It's not going to be as exciting as Europe, I'm afraid. Although we do have a very large ball of twine in Atlantic City." Natalie led him into the kitchen. The guard followed.

"Twine?" Miguel was startled.

"It's a big attraction in AC, if you ever get out of the casinos. Do you want sugar?" Natalie handed him a glass and put the glass pitcher down on the kitchen table.

Miguel tasted his drink. "Please."

Natalie took his glass back and turned to put sugar into it. As soon as her back was turned, Miguel pulled out a gun and shot the cop who didn't even have a chance to respond.

Startled by the shot, Natalie dropped the sugar bowl onto the floor and spun around.

"Oh my God!" she put her hands over her mouth and started at Miguel who was now pointing the gun at Natalie.

"Shut up and clean up the mess."

"Why are you doing this?" Natalie demanded.

"Get down on the floor or I'll kill your baby and let you live," Miguel snarled. His formally attractive features now darkened by hate and distaste.

"There are more cops outside. You won't get out alive." Natalie began to gather up the shards of the porcelain bowl her mother, Vicki, had given her when she bought the cottage. She pushed back the idea that perhaps she or her son might not make it out either.

They'd call John. They'd make sure they were safe. She knew that, but in the meantime she had to do something for herself. For her son. For John. She tucked a long shard into her sleeve.

"Let me look at Scott. Please."

"Who the fuck is Scott?" Miguel demanded.

"The cop you shot. Please, let me take care of him."

"If it will keep you quiet."

Just as Natalie reached Scott and began to put pressure on the gunshot wound on his chest the telephone rang. As Miguel moved to answer it, she noticed Scott's eyes beginning to open. The wound, she quickly discovered, was more towards his shoulder. Miguel had missed his heart.

"I have your woman and your son. I'm going to kill them if you don't send Carlotta Vega here within twenty minutes."

With that Miguel hung up the telephone.

Natalie pressed a dishtowel to Scott's wound and looked around the kitchen. She was too big and lumbering to make a quick get away and her back was beginning to hurt more intensely now as she crouched down.

"Can we get an EMT in here, please?" Natalie carefully kept the helpless rage she was feeling out of her voice.

"No."

Natalie looked behind her at the kitchen window above the sink, then at the window of the back door. "Sloppy," she whispered to herself. She was down on the ground with Scott and Miguel was pacing back and forth, unprotected.

"Why are you doing this? I thought we were friends? What do you want with Carlotta."

"What do you think," Miguel sneered and waved his gun around. "She destroyed my father's life. She betrayed him and he punished everyone around him for it. Now, it's my duty to him to avenge her betrayal."

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't little heiress. Your mommy and daddy and brothers and sister love you. My father made our lives hell because of what your mother-in-law did to him. This will make him proud of me. I didn't get caught and I'll finish what he started."

"This doesn't have to be what your life is all about." Natalie kept talking as she reached around Scott and unsnapped his holster and slid his gun out.

"Don't psychoanalyze me you whiney bitch!" Miguel smacked the pitcher of idea tea off the table so it landed on the floor near Natalie, wetting her with its contents.

"Ow!" Natalie exclaimed as she felt the sharp sting of glass cutting her and the wetness sliding over it.

"Oh shit." Natalie suddenly realized that it wasn't glass and the wetness sliding down her legs wasn't iced tea. That was her water breaking.

"Did the little heiress get wet. Poor baby."

Tears filled Natalie's eyes as she began to panic. She could feel her first real contraction coming on. Her hands were covered in blood. The sugar bowl shard fell onto Scott as she tried to figure out some way to get them out of there.

"John. John." She whispered brokenly.

"Aaah!" she was unable to hold back her exclamation of pain as her contraction peaked.

"What the fuck is your problem." Miguel kicked her leg and knocked her down.

"I'm in labor!" She slipped as she tried to push herself up and get back to Scott. "I need to get to the hospital.

"Then your cop should be in a real hurry to satisfy my demands shouldn't he?"

"I thought you were my friend," Natalie said as she successfully pushed herself to a sitting position. She saw Scott's hand move and she quickly moved to block it from Miguel's view.

"I need more towels. They're next to the sink."

"Oh, the heiress thinks I'm her servant, does she?" Miguel sneered and sauntered arrogantly around the kitchen table, towards the sink.

snick

Natalie whipped her head around and saw Miguel begin to fall. A shocked expression on his face and blood beginning to sprout from his left temple. Then both doors burst open as cops filled the room. Natalie was pulled back from Scott as his fellow officers pulled him from the room into the living room.

"Are you all right?" John was suddenly kneeling down in front of her, running his hands over her hair and down her body, looking in panic for the source of the blood that was staining her hands and stomach. She opened her mouth to explain when the force of a new contraction knocked the wind from her.

Her cry panicked John even more. "I need help here!" he called out and pushed the table and chair out of his way to lay her down.

"No." Natalie panted and grasped at his shirt. This was too much, too fast. She felt a fresh wetness spreading between her legs. "Stop." She wasn't sure who she was pleading with.

"Natalie, what's wrong. Where are you hurt?"

"Labor. Something's wrong." Natalie forced out as another wave of pain dragged at her.

Before John could bellow for more help he was being pushed aside by EMT's.

He moved to sit at Natalie's head. He put it into his lap as he helplessly watched her thrash. It was then that he saw the blood spreading underneath her.

His heart skipped a beat and then sped up.

End…for now


	9. The EndThe Beginning

Landing in London IX

NC-17

>>>>>  
When the night falls in around me  
I don't think I'll make it through  
I'll use your light to guide the way  
'Cause all I think about is you  
"Landing in London" - Three Doors Down

>>>>>  
Now  
>>>>>

The light was dim in the hospital waiting room. At least that's the way it looked to John McBain. His legs had long ago given out so now he sat on a chair and stared unseeing at the wall. His left hand was clenched, his right dangling uselessly at his side.

Across the room sat the Buchanans, the Balsoms, the Vegas, the Walsh's, the Mannings and everyone else who cared about Natalie and John. The only one who dared to bridge the gap between the sides of the room were Antonio, Rex and John's brother Michael, but even they were unable to get him to focus for more than a few moments.

Skimming the surface of John's brain were idle thoughts. Thoughts about how amazed and embarassed Natalie would be about all the people who had come together to pray for her to pull through. Thoughts about the ugly pictures that hung on the wall that reminded him of the cheaper hotels back home in AC. The terrible coffee that Natalie would have dumped right on the spot and masterfully replaced with a special brew. How she would have laughed at Roxy's comments, which were clearly intended to be encouraging but were actually funny.

These thoughts barely covered the dark terror that held his body and mind in its grasp. Thoughts of the blood that had seemed to flood from Natalie's body as she was lifted onto a gurney and rushed into the ambulance. The image fear and pain that mutated her beautiful face. The possibility that Natalie might not pull through and yet the Earth would continue to spin.

And underneath that were fractured bits of guilt trying to slip through. The guilt that protected him and let him run. He wanted to do nothing but run. Hide. Stay away. Become numb again.

But she deserved better this time.

So did their son. If he believed in God he might pray for a trade. He'd give up his son for her. He hated himself for the thought.

"John." Michael's voice startled him.

John looked up at his brother hovering above him. He couldn't speak, but his eyes demanded answers. Was she all right? Can I see her? Can I touch her?

Michael kneeled down.

John flinched away. Kneeling was bad.

Michael grabbed John's left hand and pried his fist open. With a harshly released breath Michael took the diamond ring that John had been grasping. It was the ring Eve had sent him to give to Natalie, but hadn't fit because her fingers had swelled as her due date neared. She had worn it on her neck. The nurse had handed it to him hours ago and he hadn't let it go since.

"John. The doctor is here to speak to us."

John looked away. He didn't want to hear. He didn't want to know. Not yet. He took the ring back and closed his eyes.

He and Natalie were on another of their doctor prescribed dates. This time they were sitting in his hotel room. They had been playing with the slot maching Natalie had given him. She was leaning up against his body, enclosed by his arms and they were taking turns pulling the one-armed bandit. She had just scored a jackpot and was laughing with delight. He was laughing too, but not looking at the machine. He only had eyes for her. His red-haired beauty.

He knew she felt fat and unattractive. He knew she was beginning to feel uncomfortable and hindered in her movements. She couldn't see her own glow. Her lush sexiness. But he could and it made him breathless and hard. He pressed himself against her, letting her feel what she would not believe.

He felt, rather than heard, her breath hitch as she felt him. With a dreamy smile John slid his hands from her stomach to her swollen breasts. He knew they were aching and beginning to fill in preparation for birth. He had seen her lift and massage them when she thought he wasn't looking – she didn't know he always was. Now, he mimicked those actions to give her comfort and because he needed to touch her.

They had only made love once. Almost made love another time. Their kisses he could count on both hands, not even.

He felt like he had never been with anyone else.

He ached for her. He knew he would never have enough.

"John." Her whisper made him throb. He nibbled on her ear.

"I love you."

He didn't know he was the one who said it.

"John."

"Marry me." This wasn't how he'd planned to ask, yet he the moment would never be more perfect. His child moved in her belly even as they move restlessly against each other. "I have a ring. My mother's ring."

"Yes." Natalie turned in his arm and put her arms around his neck.

"John." This time it was Michael's voice.

"No!" John stood up and walked away.

It was Vicki who settled him with a look. With his hand in hers he went to listen to the doctor.

She was so pale. Almost as white as the pillow case on which her head rested. She had lost a lot of blood the doctor said.

But she would be all right.

As would their son.

"John."

Tears pricked his eyes as he heard the voice he feared he'd never hear again. He kneeled down and pressed his face close to hers.

"I love you." This time he knew he had said it. He promised he would never stop saying it.

"I love you too." Natalie clasped his hand tighter when she saw the tears staining his stubbled cheeks.

"Don't ever leave me."

"Our son is all right."

"I know." John breathed in her breath. He ran his fingers through her hair.

"I really need a shower."

John laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"I love you."

Natalie just looked at him quizzically.

>>>>>  
Later  
>>>>>  
Now it's all making sense  
Forever's in the present tense  
I know it all begins  
With you  
And so this story goes  
I am yours to have and hold  
And I can't wait to grow old  
With you, yeah  
"With You" - Lila McCann  
>>>>>

Of course she wouldn't wear white at her own wedding.

John smiled along with everyone else in the garden at Llanfair as she walked down the flower-strewn aisle towards him.

The lavender color she had chosen was perfect. It brought out the blue in her eyes and the creamy perfection of her skin. She was even more beautiful now than ever.

"Hey," she whispered after Clint handed her hand to him.

"Hey, beautiful." He loved how she blushed when he called her that. He made sure he did it often.

Joey cleared his throat and they just giggled along with everyone present as they stopped staring at each other and looked at him.

The ceremony passed in a blur. Soon enough they were sharing their first married kiss, which Joey had to interrupt again as it didn't seem to ever be ending.

Rex handed Natalie their son, John Cristian, after his father and her ex-husband, and together the three of them walked down the aisle towards the tents in which they would he celebrating their new family.

Just before they entered Natalie stopped.

"I meant everything I said." She looked up at him over the head of their baby.

"I know. Me too."

"There's one thing I wanted to say to you, to both of you, in private."

John waited for her to continue.

"I trust you."

John smiled and pressed his forehead against hers. He knew what a long road it was for her to say that to him again. He slid one hand on the bare head of their son and the other into her silky red hair, which at his behest she had worn loose adorned only with gardenias.

"Mrs. McBain. May I have this dance?"

Their blue eyes connected, as they had since the first moment they had met.

End! Really, this time.


End file.
